The Value of Marriage

Dollis Hill Ashram, London (England)


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“The Value of Marriage”. Dollis Hill Ashram, London (UK), 8 March 1980.

..that Sahaja Yoga is first to start your germination, then it grows. In that growth, you have to become a wider personality and a wider personality. With the marriage you become even a better person, and you develop a better personality.

Now, why marriage is necessary for Sahaja Yogis?

First and foremost thing, it is the most normal thing to do, is to marry. God has given you this desire to be married for some purpose. But, the same desire, if you do not use it for the purpose it is given, it can become a perversion, it can become a nasty thing. It can be very detrimental to your growth. So one should understand this desire within us to have a marriage.

Marriage means a wife, who is a part and parcel of your being. A wife on whom you can depend. She’s your mother, she’s your sister, she’s your child, she’s everything. You can share all your feelings with your wife. So it is important that the wife should be such, that she should understand that this is the need of a marriage.

Now, in Sahaja Yoga, as you have seen, all of you have problems either of the left or the right. Now, when these marriages will take place, mostly spontaneously, it will happen by the nature’s plan itself, that you will marry a person who is a complementary personality to you. Because, supposing you are a Left-sided person, and if you have a person who has a Left Side that is very strong, it will compensate, and that’s how you make a good marriage. But, for that, one thing is very important: that you must share. You must share life, every bit of it, every moment of it. If you do not know how to share life, it’s going to be very, very difficult.

When it comes to love, how do we express our love? By sharing all of our joys and all of our pains, all of our problems. But in Sahaja Yoga, it’s a little more, I think quite a lot more, much more. Here you have to share the community. The marriage is not for individuals, in Sahaja Yoga, not at all. If anybody has this feeling that the marriage is between two persons in Sahaja Yoga, it’s a wrong thing. It is two communities, it can be two nations, it can be completely two universes. So, it is not to be enjoyed between yourself. If you are a good husband-wife to each other it’s not sufficient in Sahaja Yoga.

That love should be enjoyed by everyone else, in the society, in the community. If you cannot do that, then you have not achieved Sahaja Yoga marriage. It’s just an ordinary marriage as people have; it’s just nothing special about it. Such marriage should be able to give chances for very great souls to come on this earth.

A person who is married in Sahaja Yoga, who are Sahaja Yogis, who are sharing their love equally with the Sahaja Yogis and the society that is Sahaja Yoga, then only great people will be born. I would say Bogdan has done that. Bogdan and Mandy, they have done it. It’s something surprising. You see, they were engaged before marriage, they were married before Sahaja Yoga, they were married after Realisation and I don’t know how, it is clicked in their life, that they really share companionship with other Sahaja Yogis. Whenever he writes to me, he always writes about other Sahaja Yogis, he’ll ask about every one of them, how are they, what are their problems. Unless and until it happens, the marriage has no meaning in Sahaja Yoga, at all, no meaning. So, first test of a Sahaja Yogi marriage is that, how much you have been able to share by this marriage, other people.

Now, for example, in a normal marriage, a man is the person who is the head of the family, as you say. Now, he has to be the head, the man has to be head for certain reasons. There is nothing wrong in man becoming the head, it’s all right: you become the heart. Heart is more important than head is. Perhaps, we do not realise that how heart is important. You see, even if the head fails, the heart can go on. We can go on always up till the heart is going on. But, if the heart fails, the head fails too.

So you are the heart as a woman, and he is the head of the family. Let him have that feeling that he is the head; it’s a feeling, just a feeling. Like the head always feels that he decides. But, it’s the brain that also knows that it’s the heart one has to cater for. It’s the heart which is all-pervading, which is the real source of everything.

So the woman’s position, if she understands how important it is, she would never feel let down or dominated if she knows she’s the heart. I think this is the point people, women, especially in the West, have lost and have forgotten and have not realised. If they had realised this point, there would have been much less problem.

It is not the way people think they control others and dominate others or sort of try to suppress them: it is not that way. It is the heart which really governs everything. Heart rules out everything else. It is heart which has got the power to envelope the brain, to sooth it. Brain is a headache, you know, it works, works like mad. But, heart is the one which can really cover the whole body with its love and can soothe it and can give it joy and happiness. It is the heart which contains the Spirit. So, heart is a very important thing, which is the power of the body. Like ultimately you have to become the Spirit, which is in the heart.

With brain you know things and that’s why the man has to be the head. He has to go out, he has to work, he has to deal with people. His life is, he’s an extrovert, as you call it. And woman also has to work sometimes if there is difficulties and troubles. But a woman should not feel dominated, if the man says, “All right you don’t work.” But if he says it in love.

Now, if the brain starts dominating the heart too much, what will happen? Then there will be dryness. Like, many men are very meticulous, very particular. They are headaches; absolute headaches to themselves, to others and to the whole society. Such people can become extremely dry and they can be all the time. They can never enjoy their wives, they can never enjoy their children, they cannot enjoy anything whatsoever, because they are so particular. Like they said, “Come at 5:10”. Now, if you reach there at 5:09 or 5:11, you had it! They are just watching time, just to find out the faults: as soon as the wife comes, they’ll be shouting, “What? You’ve come so late!” How many? 45 seconds! Lost!

You see, the wife is coming: the expectancy, and the meeting of it, the joy of it. You are going to meet your own heart! [This] is lacking.

Now this brain can go all off the rule, it can go. And it can be very, very taxing. It creates tremendous problems within. So, heart must be respected, heart must be obeyed, that’s the point. Heart must be obeyed. But, that doesn’t mean that the women should dominate men. It doesn’t mean that. Obeyed means you must understand what your love says.

Do it in love. If you do it in love, it’s very good. For example I am lecturing you morning till evening. You are not tired of my lectures. Normally people should be, “What’s this sermon going on? This lady all the time talking to us?” But, you do not mind it for one reason. Why? Because you know I love you very much.

In the same way the woman must establish the role that she loves. The man may become a little funny, but he’ll come around. He’ll go a little astray but, he’ll come around. But, do not judge him in outward dominations. Like, you see, if he says, “This colour is not good”, “All right, whatever you like I’ll put it”. Then he himself will say, “Oh, I think the one you had put was good. You know I was really foolish!” (laughter) He would say like that! You just agree to them! I mean I have experimented this in my own life. I have done it.

For example, my husband doesn’t know much of roads, so, supposing we are going somewhere, and he said, “I think this is the way you have to go.” I said, “All right you can go ahead and I will walk with you.” But I said, “No, but I think it’s not the road, I’ll have to walk again back I know for definite. But, all right, if you want, I can walk with you. All right I’m walking. I am just enjoying. I may have to go this way only.” Then he starts wondering, “Is it true? Is it correct?” (laughter) Then he starts thinking that, “Is it really?”or “Maybe?” Because she has instincts. She has intuition. She has so many things. She gets that hunch. They get a hunch. They get a hunch of it. And that’s what it is. And once they start understanding, that the hunches of the wife is correct, then they follow her, in a way.

But, what is so great in making your husband follow you? It’s wrong. I think there is no need for him to follow. “You go this way!” What is the need to do all that? We are going the same way. But we must know that somebody is on the left, one is on the right. The left has to be on the left. Supposing the left wheel starts going to the right — we’ll have only one wheel left. What are we going to do about it? We are all going on the same way! There are no two ways about it. There are two wheels needed to give it a balance. But we are going on the same way. This, people don’t realise: they think one wheel has to go on the right and another has to turn to the left. So, imagine what will be the condition of such a family. We are going on the same way.

Only understanding is needed. That one has to live with the powers of heart, and another has to live with the powers of rationality, of understanding. Now, when it comes to rationality, ultimately it will turn to heart. Because it reaches a point where it does not know. Then it comes to heart. Once women realise this, that they have this within themselves. But, you must nurture your power of heart. But you compete with them in everything: “If he goes on the horse why can’t I?” “He does this, why can’t I?” “If he can drive, I can drive.”

Wisdom lies in doing things, many things by avoiding them. For example, I don’t drive, so everybody drives me along. I don’t type, very good: everybody types for me. But, I do some things which nobody can do as well as I can do. Like I can cook very well. So when it comes to cooking, they have to come to me! It’s like that.

But, you don’t do everything that the men want to do. Or you don’t do everything women want to do. For men, will be cooking and women will be driving, is a wrong thing.

Men should know all manly things and women should know womanly things. They must learn. They must put their heart into it. I mean women can be equally intelligent, men can be equally intelligent. Women can go on to the right hand, and men can go on the left hand, no doubt about it. But, you put imbalance to the whole universe by that, that’s the point.

It’s not that by doing that you are in any way less or more. This idea should go out of your minds absolutely. That men think that, “Oh, I’m the man who wears the pants!” All right, you wear the pants but, we wear the beautiful skirts! That’s the way it should be looked after.

Once this goes away, Sahaja Yoga will work out better.

The domination only is felt when there is no love. Sometimes you like people to dominate you, isn’t it. For example, let’s say, “Come along, have this food. You must eat, you must have this.” You like it, because somebody cares for you: there’s a concern, somebody loves you, wants you to have this and wants you to do that. You like such a person. You want somebody to do that. You do not want to be left to dogs that: “Do whatever you please!” That kind of thing is no good. And once you develop that feeling that, “Oh, that person cares for me. That person loves,” then you also start caring for the feelings of that person. You also start to understand.

Now again the guilt is working. Now will you please stop feeling guilty about anything. I do not say these things to make you feel guilty, but just to understand that you have to be in a very light mood, in a very light mood.

This balance has been created long time back, a very long time back. Even when Radha Krishna existed: Radha was the power and Krishna was the one who was expressing. As you say, the potential and the kinetic. And people only know about Krishna, but Radha was the power. When He had to kill Kamsa, He had to ask Radha, to do it. It was She who did everything, She had to dance and He pressed Her feet. He said, “Now You must be tired.” I mean, why did She dance? Because without Her dancing, things could not work out.

So, it is so interdependent. It is so interdependent. As you cannot have a wick, and you cannot have the light. You cannot have these two things separate. If you can understand that, then this balance is completely harmonious. It is between God and His power: absolutely one. You can’t imagine, how it is one with God and His power. His power, His desire, is the same as God. There’s no difference at all.

But, in human beings you are disintegrated people. Your desire is different, your thinking is different, your asking is different. Everything is so disintegrated, that’s why you cannot understand. That’s why marriages are also disintegrated. [It’s] the complete integration. Is the intermingling. If the wife has to work, one need not worry. If the man has to work, doesn’t worry: as long as there is complete understanding of integration, of balance, within you.

Of course, the women are responsible [for] the grace of the family. She has to be gracious. It doesn’t look nice for a woman to behave like a man because, man need not be that gracious as the woman is. He is after all a man. So, it’s all right. I mean, in his behaviour, he need not be atrocious but sometimes if he swears sometimes, doesn’t matter, sometimes, in a way: for a man. But, for a woman, it does because she is a gracious thing.

But, there are some things that a man cannot do: like, taking interest in women. Some men are so hot you know, horrible and absolutely, one can’t understand the way they take interest in women: what dresses women wear sort of thing. All this rat-like behaviour, is horrible. And this cannot be manly. That means that they are such slaves of women. They may call themselves something this and that. I heard this Mrs. Kennedy’s clothes, under clothes, were for sale. And people from Australia were flying out to buy them! I mean think of these men! What do you call them? I don’t know what do you call them in English language. But, they are just worse than earthworms. I don’t know from where they come.

So a man has to be a man! And man is a person like Rama is. You have heard about his life, how He was. How He loved His wife, respected His own chastity. A man who cannot respect his own chastity is not a man. He is absolutely an earthworm.

So, this is what it is. A man has to have a character, he has to have that chivalry in him, he has to have that courage in him, he has to have that protective thing. If thieves come in the house [and] the man tells the wife, “Oh you go and open the door, and I am going to hide!” (laughter) And when the thieves go away, he says, “I’m going to dominate!” that’s not the way. The man has to protect. The man has to look after. That’s why it doesn’t matter if he is a little crude sometimes. It doesn’t matter. Because he has to face. He’s like a thorn and women are like the flowers. Now, in the thorn and flower, you would like to be a flower, isn’t it, but, in a man and woman, you would like to be a thorn! So it’s wrong.

He has to protect, he has to look after the invasions on the family-life and other things. On the contrary, they are the ones who allow infiltration by wrong people in the family. It’s the men. They bring in horrible women, they bring in horrible people, through their domination, “Oh, she’s my friend! How can you object?” But, what sort of friend is she? He has to say, “No,I don’t like these people to come in the house, they are not the right-type. They have to get out.” It is he who has to say. And the woman has to understand. But if he says it just out of domination, it is nonsense.

So, everything has two sides, as you can see clearly. If it is done in love, it’s perfect. But, if it is done in domination, it’s nonsensical. Why dominate? I mean, I don’t understand the word ‘domination’. When there are two wheels do they dominate each other? Can they? If one dominates, say one becomes bigger than the other, it will go round and round, won’t it. There’s no question in domination in this. But, it’s a question of integration and understanding and complete cooperation within themselves, which must permeate into the society, into the family.

The marriages which are not helpful to the society are of no use, they are just a waste, just a waste. We have so many marriages like this. People get married, live well, happily among themselves and finish off. These are the marriages which are going to change the society, with their joy, happiness, make home where everybody is expected, look after them, do for others. There are many people who think that, “Nobody is doing anything for us!” What have you done for others? What have you done? Have you done anything for them? This, once you start deciding and understanding, it would be very good.

Normally a woman is, if not brought up properly, can be very, very conceited and can be very selfish and self-centred. Men can be also, but, women can be. Because if they are not brought up properly — I am saying that — they may not like to spend their money on others. They would not like others to come in the house and share this and that. But, again we have to judge it: is it done in love or not?

Like the husband brings his friends, and they may not like their friends coming in because it means money. They would like to have more ornaments to themselves than to have some friends, [and gifts] for their friend. It can be, they can be like that. Some men could be like that also. But, both the things are wrong. This should be shared to be understood. And the whole things is that you must lavish your love on others. You need not spend money for that. Need not. You can just be kind to them, nice to them and a little money too. There is not harm in spending a little money for others and expressing your love.

We are still very meticulous in our Sahaja Yoga as far as money is concerned, as far as love is concerned. We are very, very cautious. We have so much of fear within us. Now domination should never come in Sahaja Yoga at all. For example, when I am telling you anything, an outsider you might think I am dominating you, because really I am touching very sore points within you, if you see it clearly, it is there.

Putting the Left Side too much: You are all feeling guilty, that’s not good, come along! So, this is also an escape, that you start feeling guilty and you then just don’t cure yourself. Just don’t feel guilty about anything. I am just telling you this because I have to tell you!

Now, one can feel that this is domination, if they do not see the love behind it, the beauty behind it, the compassion behind it. So, never to feel that anybody dominates you is the best way. How can you be dominated? You are the Spirit! Your ego can be hurt. You are the Spirit: it cannot be dominated. But, are you the Spirit? Are you feeling your Spirit? If you are feeling your Spirit you can never be dominated, no one can dominate you. But, if you feel that way, all the time, that you are dominated, you are dominated, you will become a very, very nervous person. You can be a horrible person. You cannot face people.

So it is time that you realise you are a Spirit and your husband is also a Spirit. Or if you are the husband, you must know the wife is also a Spirit. And a mutual respect must grow in that level, because both of you are saints, you are Sahaja Yogis.

You must respect each other because you are Sahaja Yogis. Everybody respects you because you are Sahaja Yogis — [those] who have not achieved Realisation: “Oh, they are realised-souls!” You just think when you were not realised, if someone had told you that, “He is a realised-soul,” how you would have felt about that person? You are not conscious of that but you should be conscious. By that you should not become vain but you must respect others, they are realised-souls, they are the children of your Mother. When talking to each other you have to understand that: more so when you are husband and wife.

The whole understanding that you had so far of husband-wife must be given up. It is, I think a contract sort of a marriage. In a marriage you see, “How much he dominates? What are his powers? What are my powers? How much money I get? How much he gets, where’s the money kept? What’s all that?” It will only happen when you do not trust each other. But, go on trusting more and more. There should be a competition in loving. There should be a competition in trusting, in being honest, in being kind, in being in service. Let there be a competition like that, and then you will achieve results. The competition should be on the other side, instead of dominating, instead of being afraid, instead of sharing all nonsense.

There’s another thing which I must point out which happens to married couples and which is very, very wrong also: that both of them, take up a role of very miserable people, the Les Miserables! They sit down, crying, weeping “Oh, ho, ho!” for nothing at all. [As if] the whole world is collapsing before them. Now there are some ‘great’ poets, like Lord Byron maybe or some horrible people, who have written horrible poems like that. And they will recite those poems, “The sweetest songs are those [that tell of saddest thought]” and all sorts of nonsense: not for Sahaja Yogis. You are not to indulge in this kind of nonsense and sitting down and indulging into this kind of nonsense and enjoying the miseries of each other.

For the present, you have no miseries. Whatever has been there is past and finished. Now, you are new people, with new awareness with new things. You have no miseries. So, forget all those things and try to enjoy each other’s company. And if you start doing that, sitting down and enjoying the miseries, you [must] get out of it immediately and say, “Oh, we are getting into the same play of Lord Byron!” I don’t want to create Lord Byrons out of Sahaja Yogis any more. So please remember that: don’t sit down and discuss and analyse your miseries. You have no miseries of any kind. You are the Spirit. You are the source of joy for yourself and for others and you have no business to sit down and cry and weep. And I don’t know what is happening? I don’t know why you don’t know your Spirit. Don’t you know your Spirit? You know! Then why don’t you know?

You have your vibratory awareness and still how is it you are saying you don’t know? You have to know everything. And it has to be a very positive act to be happy to be fragrant with joy and to give joy to others. That has to be with you. Otherwise, everything has no meaning.

You see, I try my level best to make every marriage a very pompous thing a very beautiful thing but, ultimately, what I find is two crumpled up people sitting down there sulking! (laughing) And then imagine the children who are going to be born. They will think, “What these sulking parents, oh God, save us from these crying babies!” So don’t put my all hopes to my complete shattering state, by this kind of attitude.

Now, if you have any questions, ask them because I don’t know how far to say.

Close it! (The microphone)

(end of recording)