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Advice to Brides and Bridegrooms in Ganapatipule (India). 28 December 1993.
Advice to Bridegrooms
This time we have the maximum number of people who are getting married. Still I don’t know the final number.
At the last moment some people come to me that I should tie their dhotis. Different thing in Sahaja Yoga doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, There is one thing I would first again ask. Those who don’t want to get married with the people whom we have selected and you accepted should immediately tell me today. Now there’s still time. If you have any doubts, any one.
The purpose of these marriages is this, that we should have international understanding about human beings that after coming to Sahaja Yoga we transcend all the barriers, all the barriers of race, religion, ?? and nationality. We have to create this homogenous world and make it peaceful by removing this disease of national identification or racial identification. We are all created by God Almighty. Our differences are only skin deep. Culturally we are different little bit here and there but basically in ourselves we are all spiritual. And the religion that you have is innate built in within us which is an part and parcel of us.
By these marriages we want to achieve a very happy and a very enjoyable married life. In the marriage one has to know, nobody should dominate anyone… that’s a wrong idea. But we have two wheels of the chariot, one is big and one is small, then the chariot will never move forward, it will go round and round. Both are equally the same, equal sized, but they are not similar. The left cannot be the right and the right cannot be the left. So men and women have to be men and women in Sahaja Yoga. They cannot be unisex people. They cannot be. That’s very important. The man has to protect the wife, love her, give her all the security that is needed. And woman has to nourish the husband and give him all the love and affection she has.
So here we are on the threshold of entering into a new life where you have a companion of your own. She will be your wife. Not because only she is in Sahaja Yoga that you have married her but she’s your own. So try to prove it to her that you love her very much and that she is your wife and you have all that is yours is for her. This is very important in the very beginning of it.
Now there’s another thing I have found out in my experience sometimes that they get married, I don’t know what happens, they are swayed into it and they get married. And after they go back to their own country they start saying “Mother we know we cannot manage, we have to work it out. This, that” Marriages are now worked out. Spontaneously it happens.
But in India you see we are all the time prepared for a good married life. The wife is told, the husband is told all the time. So normally when they get married they think this is what it is for us. They don’t have love affairs before hand; they don’t have friends and things.
But even if you had your past, now it’s finished. You don’t discuss, don’t tell, don’t talk about it, do your best. That’s absolutely wrong because the past doesn’t exist, what exists is the present. So enjoy the present, forget it, forgive yourself. Many people also have this big problem that they cannot forget their past and go on telling their wives that I was like this. There is no need to confess anything. They think it is honest. There is no question of honesty or dishonesty at that time is but to enjoy full joyous mood of marriage. That’s in the head. Otherwise what’s the use of marrying and then telling stories.
Or some people have very bad habit of telling him how bad the mother was, the father was or may be that how miserable he is or how he has gone through struggle… there’s no need to talk of this. At this moment you are married, she is your wife, and you have to express all your love and all your attention to her so she feels secure and happy. This point please try to note. Nothing has to be talked about your past.
Then we are Sahaja Yogis. I have seen some Sahaja Yogis, very great Sahaja Yogis who are married, very very ordinary men, very ordinary, ordinary looking superficially. Or can say some of them could be called as ugly. Some girls are like that, some men are like that. I mean from these norms that you have about beauty and all this nonsense. But when you see a person full of vibrations, she gives you such tranquility, such joy.
Don’t disturb it by having your pre-married ideas about your wife you see. The reality is this is your wife and you are her husband. Take the reality into consideration. Not some imaginary image you have about your wife. Your wife is before you, she’s your wife. What’s the use of having imaginary ideas you will never enjoy your married life, I mean if you have imagination, then you should not even marry: marry your imagination is a better way. Why to ruin somebody’s life, why to make somebody miserable? They are all intelligent and good Sahaja yoginis. We have seen to it they are all very good Sahaja Yoginis.
But once you try to misbehave with your wife or try to create problems for us, naturally we don’t want you any more in Sahaja Yoga, because it is getting too much and you know as it is not easy to marry you, to get your visas, to take you down there its quite a lot of work one has to go into it.
So now don’t think that you have been forced into any marriage, you have been asked into any marriage, please. If you give up this kind of an imaginary ideas about this marriage, again and again I am telling to you today now and this time also, this present moment, all those who feel that way should immediately tell me, I will be extremely happy.
There is another third thing that I have seen about the western people is that they are literally frightened of marriage, literally frightened.
First is they may live with a woman for 10 days or 20 days or 10 years, but as soon as they get married they go for a divorce, very funny(??). For this I think the law is responsible, because the women think they will get money out of their husbands may be or the husbands think that they will get money out of their wives. In Sahaja Yoga if you want to take the divorce later on, which I don’t like at all. We have only 1 % divorces, then I would not allow you to extract money from the other, never, and nor the girl should extract money from you.
Last but not the least is important that, once you are married, now the girls may not be able to go immediately from their various places because of visa problems, but don’t give them money to be sent to their families, that is not allowed in Sahaja Yoga. The girl should not send their money to their parents that’s not allowed and trouble the husband for that. Sometimes if you want to send is alright, but there should not be regular remittance all the time and this is sometimes comes to my notice which I do not want to encourage. As far as that part is concerned you should not give any money for sending it to the relations of your wife otherwise it will become a money oriented marriage and people would marry because they can extract some money from it.
All these things should be kept in to it, that we are now married, we are stupid if we want to have a divorce, stupid. and I don’t like divorce at all. Though I allow because sometimes I find horrible things happening. But rarely I would allow anybody to have a divorce, rarely, so this idea should be given up and one should not be selfish…
But from the very beginning if you try to be very kind and nice, I am sure things will work out. We have to prove to the world that marriage is a divine institution and by this divine institution if you have been put together it’s also a divine plan. And through this divine plan many things are going to work out. So those who are getting married today are helping Sahaja Yoga very much.
I have already told you there are many saints who want to be married. And nowadays that you see this world full of horrible people. We need so many saints to be born and so the saints will be born in case you have good married time, happy married life and enjoyable life.
I think all this lecturing is of no use unless and until you start enjoying your married life. There are such sweet things I need not tell you. I was surprised that there is no book in English language which describes the romance after marriage, I was surprised, no book, can you imagine? and in India you won’t find any books which describe the romance before the marriage.
Nowadays they have started doing some sort of stupid things but normally no question. So now it is for you, enjoy your married life much more than you have enjoyed your childhood, your youth or any other times in college, schools, anywhere.
So be prepared. Make yourself friendly, ??open it, open your heart. Don’t try to find faults in your wife. I mean some things she doesn’t know, some things you don’t know. Doesn’t matter. All the time trying to find faults makes you faulty. Don’t find faults.
If you see somebody doing something wrong, suppose if you find that person is trying to do something. All right, you just do it your self or don’t tell. Gradually she will learn from you what is the right way is. And one should make fun of these moments, for example I don’t know how to do any banking, write a cheque. I am very bad at many things you see, can’t even open a television, I can’t even the air conditioner. So many things I just can’t do. Doesn’t matter. My husband also equally the same. So we enjoy each other.
All part and parcel of Sahaja Yoga. One unit here, one unit there, one unit there. But they are in the same ocean of spirituality. So any Sahaja Yogi who comes to your house or any one, especially Indian women you will find, they will look after the guests very well.
And then there is some sort of a thing called jealousy comes out… it’s very absurd. Indian women will not have anybody else as their husbands but their own. It is then worked out. So don’t have these funny ideas that she is very friendly, she is looking after other people, this and that. This kind of a nonsense should not be there. In Sahaja Yoga we don’t have those things, we have become very pure, their eyes are pure. So don’t have any doubts about your wives. Same with the wives I will tell you. This will make your life very much more happier and confident. If you have any problem you can always write to me directly, need not even. tell through your leaders you can directly write to me if you really have problem. But I think you are all intelligent people, you should be able to sort out everything.
Advice to Brides
Now I have been already with your fiancés and I talked to them. I have praised you a lot.
Now first thing we have to know that this marriage ceremony that we have organised with a purpose.
The first purpose is that regard marriage is very essential for Sahaja Yoga. If somebody doesn’t want to marry, we say alright you get out of Sahaja Yoga. It’s alright. Now why marriage is important, because a marriage is like a big Yagnya, it’s like a big Tapasya, you can call it, or it’s a great experience. How to achieve balance, how to become a witness and how to become a spirit. It’s very important.
Now the first and foremost thing we have to know (is) that he is your husband and nobody else is your husband. Nobody is more important than he is. See men are very easy to be controlled. If you can make them feel they are the most important people for you, then you can manage them very well.
But the first foremost ambition should be or the idea should be that I will make my married life extremely happy. Because if the married life is happy you will be happy.
Now men have a habit of sometimes losing temper. Doesn’t matter that’s their habit. So you shouldn’t immediately become the same type. But you can little bit in a womanly way try to put your sweet device of smiling it or laughing it out or little bit [showing you nice?] somehow. But not to make it serious. It’s very important.
So how to handle the men. Especially your husbands is an art and that art you will achieve gradually when you start seeing. But if you start finding faults with the men and start saying you can’t do this, you can’t do this, you don’t know how to drive or how to do this, or this things. Then you are finished. You must say you are the best driver. You are the best. That’s the way you have to deal with him. But not that you are befooling them. Because you say this because you love. And love is the basis between you and him. Nothing else. Not Money. Not what you have got for him or he has brought for you. Nothing of that.
All these things are not materialistic. They have nothing to do with matter.
Love is something which you can express also through matter, sometimes by giving some nice presents or nice food or something. But the most important thing is your heart. You should not cheat. In anyway you should not be hypocritical, and you should not try to do something that is not pure.
So in Sahaja Yoga, the purpose of these marriages is to have you connected internationally. So you all transcend all the barriers of your nationality, the barriers of our racialism, barriers of caste, barriers of so much materialism.
So you should not compare your husband with anyone. He is Your husband and you shouldn’t expect too much from him. He’s not given me this, he has not done that for me, he’s like this. This is not necessary. You must always think what I have done for him.
Also what’s wrong with me? Now some people, especially in the west it’s very common, that after marriage they think that they have to work out marriages, no working out. You see like they think that as you work out your kitchen or work out your things. It’s not like this. Spontaneously between the two human beings who are realised souls. It is not that you are working out anything, but spontaneously you are going to enjoy, spontaneously.
Now if you become extremely critical and try to show you are very brilliant and this. It’s not going to work. To be humble. Keep quiet. Those who are really intelligent always keep quiet and watch things. But those who are not, are bumptious. The more you are in Sahaja Yoga, the more you will be respected by him and by everybody. Apart from that, there are so many saints who want to be born. Once you have very happy married life among yourselves, those saints will be born to you, and it will be such a blessing and joy for you.
So try to understand not to boss your husband or try to put him right or do things and in a very.
I have seen some ladies who are extremely tense, very tense type. They can never give joy. They are themselves not in joy, how can they give joy, are themselves not in joy. So the tension should not be there. At all of any kind. Be relaxed. You are the other side of SahajaYoga, which gives peace, joy, nourishment and also complete tranquillity.
In the family you are responsible for tranquillity. Even if husband is angry, children are fighting, if the mother is tranquil you can control all the situation. So the situation has to be controlled in a way that you make life happy for everyone.
Sometimes women feel very angry when I tell them that first feed your children, your husband and then you eat yourself. Because that is the job of a woman. Like a man should go, earn living, do what he wants to do, job and all that. But the woman has to really look after the husband, look after the family, look after everything.
Also you will find our Indian husbands not so good, as far as gardening is concerned, or you can say, they don’t know how to mend anything like cars or your plumbing, they don’t know. So doesn’t matter, take it easy. Gradually they will pick up and they’ll learn and they’ll do it. But don’t become impatient with them. Just make fun of it, you see, just make fun. That the best way to manage it and that don’t expect too much, that they will do this nicely.
Sometimes they cannot clean the utensils properly, they don’t know how to do it. So alright. Just make fun of it and just enjoy it because they have [unclear]. You see in England or America I have seen anywhere, they have no servants at all. While we have servants here so all these boys are spoiled by the servants. So they are absolutely good for nothing as far as these things are concerned. But if you just try to teach them and help them, they will definitely go all out to do it. So the only thing you have to do is to love them with a clear heart. And all the time forgive and let them know that that she is the only one I have in the whole world apart from the Holy Mother.
Of course, I’m not against divorce, but I’m not for it. In the sense that I don’t like people when they divorce. But when things are impossible and difficult and one has to go in for such a thing, doesn’t matter. Sometimes one has to do it. But it should be very rare. One should not think of a divorce at all. People think of divorce in the west mostly because of the laws, because the wife gets the money or the husband gets the money. But in SahajaYoga if you are marrying, all these things even if you are divorced, I will not support.
Moreover, another thing is that the wives should not take money from the husband and send it to her relations. Never. It’s a very very wrong thing, is to support your family through the money of their husband Absolutely not allowed. That should not be done. They.., you should not put the pressure of your family on your husband. You see there has to be a clear cut understanding for all of you. That you will not take.you must keep your self respect. Don’t ask for anything. If he gives you anything [unclear] well and good. But don’t ask, don’t demand. That means you are not a Sahaja Yogi. If you are a satisfied soul why should you ask for anything? Or somebody gets something, she has got this, she has …Nothing of that kind. You be satisfied and this is how some girls nag the husbands very much.
Most important thing is that you should not talk about your past, at all. Because past is finished. Now you are Sahaja Yogis. You are all realised souls. So you don’t have to say a word about your past. Even if husband starts talking you just stop, and tell him we are to live in the present. Don’t tell us about your past. I don’t know why people think that they will look more attractive if they talk about all the past nonsense they did. Or say that my mother was so bad. All psychological nonsense. Not to put your parents into jeopardy by saying that they are very bad, they are no good. This, that.. Just forget the past and live in the present because in the present resides the reality and the reality is the ocean of joy.
You should not nag him for anything. Supposing he didn’t like something, you shouldn’t do it. Whatever he doesn’t like, small things, you know like, I was married in a family which was culturally very different, very different. And they don’t wear flowers. You see, and in India all the married ladies, I mean down south, I’m saying in my community, all wear garlands around their buns and [unclear]. Always wear. My husband said no better not do it. Because you know here in our community only the bad women wear that to attract man. Since that day I have never worn it. Doesn’t matter, not important.
So, also you must understand now you have to take to the style of life of your husband. He is fond of entertaining, look after that. Women should be entertaining, they should look after. They should not mind if somebody comes to stay with them or lives with them. They should not try to show. On the contrary they should be happy they are able to look after someone who is a Sahaja Yogi. So, for the Sahaja Yogis, you must keep always your heart open, your house open.
There are so many things which I would like to tell you but in this short time, I have to just say that it is the responsibility of the women to make their marriages happy. Depends on their intelligence and on their dedication to Sahaja Yoga. It’s your responsibility. And if you see in a wider sense the responsibility of making a good society is that of a woman. Even if she has to suffer she can. She is like this mother Earth. She can suffer anything She never feels she suffers. She is so great. You are Shaktis. So as Shaktis if you have to suffer, you don’t mind. And what you have to feel is that we are responsible for making our Sahaja Yoga society a perfect society. That’s our responsibility. All your greed, all your ambitions, everything should be directed towards making a very very happy married life.
I wish, I wish all, all of you, a very happy and prosperous married life.
H.H. Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi