Marriages, Canajoharie, United States, 03-07-2000
Talk to Bridegrooms:
(13:46) After you have [UNCLEAR – each] listened to my lecture yesterday, you have to now understand one thing that the basic problem in this country is that the women are not respected as [UNCLEAR]. They are respected as career women or running some sort of a show or maybe working in offices – anything. Such women are respected. As a result of that, it’s a basic problem that the children are neglected. They are not groomed properly. They don’t know what is their worth, [UNCLEAR] their value, and they take to all kinds of bad things like drugs or bad gurus, then drinking. They take to all kinds of bad things. And for this I think the father is responsible because he does not respect his wife, he does not understand her value, and he doesn’t look after her.
Now the solution in this country, what they have done, they have made a law that if a husband tortures or is not very happy and doesn’t respect and all that, then they can have a divorce. And this law also goes against the women in a way because they forget their responsibility as mothers. Because it’s money they are looking for, [UNCLEAR] and they think it’s better to divorce the husband and get the money. And children are not only neglected but also tortured and murdered as a result. So now for you, it is a great responsibility as Sahaja Yogis first to love your wife. That’s very important, and this love should not be mentally a judgment all the time, criticizing, or controlling, or telling her off and putting her down. But respect her wishes. Try to find out why she wants a particular thing to be done. What is her desire? Try to please her. What does she want? Something, while coming from the office, you can bring something for her as a present. But men in this country, I think they are more worried about other women than their own wives. And this is the worst thing that can happen to a woman because she can’t bear it, but she has to bear it sometimes. Then ultimately, she is driven mad and she takes a divorce and all the problems start. So you have to understand your wife, what she wants. You have to understand why she is not happy. Look after her. Look after her needs, and look after everything that is so important for her. There are men I know who just don’t care for their wife at all, and the wives, they suffer. And children may suffer much more. Could be one wise enough to understand, and may not get into this madness. But mostly I’ve seen in America, the law has stunted their power, and [UNCLEAR] misbehaving.
On the contrary, why not make a good life, a good married life, and a sensible married life? Instead of criticizing her, you better criticize yourself. Instead of correcting her, you correct yourself. You must know it hurts me, it hurts, and hurting the Mother is the greatest sin, I think. So as Sahaja Yogis, you should really love and care, and understand the value of your wife.
If she starts dominating, you can tell her in a sweet manner, “Please don’t dominate. Don’t hurt me.” But still, the problem remains that a man thinks he’s higher than a woman. He’s not. He’s not. The woman spiritually is higher. So the respect should go to the mother. She’s the mother of the children. As you respect your mother, you should respect the children’s mother also. Otherwise, the children won’t respect the mother. So she should feel fulfilled, she should feel happy, she should feel joyous, and depending on you all the time for any help she needs. You should not get angry for that. If she doesn’t know anything, she’ll have to ask you. If she cannot put up with something, she has to ask you. If she tells you that some people are troubling her, listen to her. Don’t get friendly with the wrong type of people, insulting the wife. It’s a very common failing, that men are more interested in other people than their own wives. Sometimes they put her into great trouble.
So now you are entering into married life, I want you to be seriously understanding what is your responsibility as Sahaja Yogis. You have to create a new type of married couple, where Sahaja Yogis will come, you will respect them, look after them, and love them. If your wife, supposing, denies this, then explain to her, “This is our society. This is what we have to live with. These are our people. They will protect us. We have to be with them. They’ll protect our children. And we have to look after them.” And gradually, if you tell her, she’ll understand. None of you, I think, is there who is marrying a dominating wife, as far as we know. But if you try to be going to another extreme of pampering her ego, then she might. So you must know the balance, how far to go. And in no way try to say that “You are catching on your ego”, or “you are catching on your heart”. Sahaja Yoga should not be used to condemn someone. No one. Not only your wife but anyone. You have no right to say that. So you are not to say that “This is missing in you, that is missing in you”.
Now before going for the marriage, you have to decide again, that you want to marry the particular lady whom we have chosen. If you don’t want to marry even now, please you should say no. That’s much better than to say it later. Alright? It’s a very big responsibility for Sahaja Yogis. I think the greatest responsibility is to create a good family in this country. A very very important thing. Do you have any questions?
So I wish you from my heart, and bless you to have the most prosperous married life, an enjoyable life, and that all problems will be solved if you just understand that she is a Sahaja Yogini, you are a Sahaja Yogi, and that this marriage is like one pillar in the big hall of Sahaja Yoga. So I depend on you, on your support, on your caring and understanding. May God bless you all. (23:13)
Talk to Brides:
(25:07) All of you have taken a very right decision to marry in Sahaja Yoga and a Sahaja Yogi, which is a very [UNCLEAR – stable] thinking. I feel that you can have a very beautiful married life, and a very stable married life. But there are one or two points which you should remember. In Sahaja Yoga, no woman has to suffer, has to tolerate, has to bear any insults. It is going to be a very easy, smooth thing that will happen. The husband is going to love you, care for you, and will do whatever you want him to do if it is right. So what I have to tell you, is that you must respect him. You shouldn’t get spoiled with that [UNCLEAR]. First, respect your husband. That’s very important. At any cost, you must respect your husband, and if he has done something which he should not have done, you should forgive him, and then you can tell him he shouldn’t talk like that. And I promise they will be alright. Because they are Sahaja Yogis. They’ll look after you. They’ll do whatever you like. So what you have to do, is to look after them.
Some women have a bad habit of making fun of their husbands. This no one likes. [UNCLEAR – nor do I like it]. Such marriages cannot go on. But respect. That doesn’t mean you should have fear or anger. But your relationship is such that it is of one personality. He should look after you. You should look after him. All the time, you should be worried about him, and he should be worried about you. I’m sure we should really develop this attitude. There will be no problem for you. All Sahaj relations, all Sahaj family are to be respected, are to be looked after. Especially his friends. They have to be Sahaja Yogis, and you must respect them. Many women also try to exclude themselves from the rest of Sahaja Yoga, which you should never try to do. Never. Because this is your society. These are the people who are going to look after you. These are the people who are going to give all the support, and these are the people who will make your married life very successful. So you should not only have an exclusive family, but you should always welcome Sahaja Yogis and look after all of them.
Also, you should find out what your husband likes. Always do the things that he likes. Do not try to deliberately annoy him because that won’t be a good idea. I know that you people are incapable of torturing your husband, but somehow there are such stupid people that they want to make a mess of their lives. Ultimately, in this country, as they know, they will soon divorce, so they are so attached to money, that they want to take a divorce from their husband somehow. That’s not the way that Sahaja Yoga is. What you have to do is to live very happily, have very nice children. Many realized children will be born now. So try to understand how important you are to Sahaja Yoga. And what a world you have to create, as a wife, as a mother, and as a sister to all your brothers. I don’t have to tell you too much. You are wise enough. You are Sahaja Yogis. Try to understand that I will be happy if you make your husband also happy. Try to find out what makes him happy. Don’t find his faults and criticize him. That’s not the way.
So I hope a great married life and a great family. In this country especially, I told yesterday, the basic point is lost that there is no love for the mother. There’s no understanding. The mother also doesn’t have it. So the children are getting spoiled, they are taking to drugs, they are taking to all kinds of things. You are responsible for your children, not your husband, so you have to imbibe all the qualities of [UNCLEAR – Sahaja Yoga] in that child and look after it. Everywhere in your house, you should have that neatness, cleanliness, and beautifying effect of your presence there. I hope it will work out very well and I won’t have any mishaps anymore. I’ve had enough of them. So thank you very much. (30:34)