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Marriages. Cabella (Italy), 23 September 2001.
Talk to brides
You are going to marry. I am going to just .. (the microphone is adjusted) .. and with full understanding.
It’s very important to understand your role in Sahaja Yoga as married women. We have had very funny types of women who got married because they wanted to marry, and they saw to it that the marriage is not successful. And they have been of such a trouble to Me that I don’t understand that before marriage why don’t they see that what they have to do.
You have to make a successful marriage in Sahaja Yoga. It’s not an ordinary marriage. And for that, it’s not sacrifice, but joyful understanding. You may have to withstand many troubles also. Financially maybe somebody’s not so well off. Maybe, though he’s all right, he’s not looking after you financially, he’s not giving you money or maybe he’s very dominating – it’s possible. Everything is possible. As you could be the same.
So in Sahaja Yoga we have selected you to be married and we think that you will make a very, very happy marriage.
Now it is more the responsibility of the woman somehow, because marriage is her responsibility and she has to make a happy marriage. If any of you now don’t want to marry a particular person, you can say no. But now if you are marrying, then please think of the way a Sahaja Yogini who is getting married. The responsibility of bringing good name to Sahaja Yoga is on you. We are not marrying you because — I mean, some sort of a social event, no, because you are Sahaja Yoginis, because you’re sensible women and you’ll bring a lot of glory to Sahaja Yoga.
I must say that so far ninety-nine percent marriages have been successful — ninety-nine percent. Now this is a new group that has come and I have to see now how it works out.
If you have some ideas in your head, some sort of a models you have in your head, then take it out. We have to deal with reality. We have to see what reality is, not our imaginary ideas. So you should not get shocked, nor the man should be shocked. But supposing he is, then the understanding should be in you. Spirit of understanding has to be in you and not expect that from men.
Men have a responsibility as far as earning is concerned. They have other responsibilities, but women have responsibility to understand, again I say understand, the husband, the family life and everything that is connected with your family life.
The spirit of understanding of women only make very good families. It’s the woman who does all the things that are needed to smooth the family relations, they understand the husband also and they also help the husband with their understanding. Once it is established in the mind of the husbands that you are sensible, that you care for Sahaja Yoga, that you’re dignified, all your problems will be solved. That’s very important to have a very deep, deep understanding of your responsibility. And I’m sure you all will be successful because you are all Sahaja Yogis.
Never to dominate — there’s no need to dominate. But if you are intelligent, you can convey the mistakes or the misunderstandings to your husband. But for that, you have to have special woman’s charm, I should say, special woman’s understanding.
I’ll give you one example of My life, there are many, but one I can give you: that from My husband’s office, one gentleman came to see Me. And he said that “I’m sorry I did a wrong thing is to give up his organisation and join another one. But I now feel that I cannot be happy in the other one and I want to come back.” So My husband said, “You have no place here. It is not disciplinary. It is not good. Why did you do it? Why did you join another organisation?” So he said, “Sir, but I want to come back. I want to beg of you,” pleading every day. But once the men take something into their heads, they don’t change immediately. So he came to Me and he told Me, “I want to be back in the same organisation.” I know my husband very well, so I said, “All right, let’s see about it.” So when My husband came I told him, “Why don’t you take back this man?” “Oh, so he has come to You now has he? The best man, he knows where to go”. “No – I said – maybe he thinks I am more generous than you are.” That was too much challenging! “That’s why he came to me. You should be generous.” Then he took him back. And I must say, all his life this man helped My husband very much.
So this is what it is. There’s a way of doing things. You have to learn that and you have to master it, by which you do good things without hurting anyone, without saying anything harsh, without being rude to anyone. Now, that is the management you have to see. That is something special you have to learn, so all the conflicts will be finished. All right?
May God bless you.
I bless you all from My heart.
Talk to grooms
…I have already talked to the brides and made them understand what is their duty and what that is supposed to mean. Specially I have told them that men are a little bit – always excited, they get excited with ..(?).. So you should be more sensible and they will be, I am sure – they looked very sensible girls. But still you should also know that you are marrying in Sahaja Yoga not for ‘marriage’, but for a Sahaja Yoga marriage. It’s very important — very important that you have to show that you have a very successful marriage.
Of course, the responsibility of the household and children, is that of – I agree that it has to be done by girls and we can say the bride. But also your responsibility is to pay attention to her, not to neglect her, because the whole thing, you’re busy, you justify it. But you have to give some time to your wife. It’s not that you should be negligent. That is first thing. For example, when you come back from work, I know you are tired, but just see what she is doing. Enquire. If she’s busy, try to help her. It’s what you show in your love is the most important thing for men, I think. Otherwise, you see, you’ll take it for granted that you’re married. That’s not so. So first come home and talk to her nicely. Ask her what she has been doing, does she need anything.
Now in Sahaja Yoga we have a custom, or we can call it a law, that all the money that you earn should be kept with your wife and you should not spend any money without asking her and she should also not spend any money without asking. Money is a very big problem. So if you want money, you have every right. It’s a common property. But the wife should know how much money there is, she cannot also spend without asking you and you also cannot spend without her.
Now this is because of mutual understanding. You have to have complete understanding as to the love, what love you are expressing. If you doubt her, it’s wrong. Or if you think, ‘All this is mine. Who is she to ask me?’ — I don’t like women to work; but if they have to work, they will work. And if they’re working, I have told them already, that they have to be careful that they are housewives to begin with. We just don’t want to have ‘marriages’, we want to have Sahaja yogis who are married, who will have nice children, nice families. We want to have beautiful family.
So a domination of a husband and a domination of a wife is a wrong idea. If you can fall in love with each other, it’s heavenly. For small, small things, I feel, people fight, for clothes and for food, for this and that. But if you love somebody, your life becomes so much beautiful. All these little, little things are of no use.
So do not judge them. Do not dominate them. If they ask for your guidance, all right. But all the time say, if the husband is all the time saying ‘do this’ and ‘do that’, then he becomes boring, isn’t it? And you should see that you don’t bore your life and her life because there’s so many ways of enjoying life. Even sitting together you can. Talking together you can. But if you don’t understand this art, then maybe you might have problems, she might have problems.
If she has some serious problem, then, of course, we’ll cancel the marriage. We’ll find out what sort of a thing. But normally, try to understand that why, if she is working in the house, she’s equally important, even more important than you are. If you think from this angle, that the marriage is between two souls who are, say, left and right and there should be a complete understanding. The emotional part of it — but I find that in the marriages, people don’t have much understanding about emotional side. If she feels sad, if she cries, just a little, few words of love and loving the person is the greatest thing. There cannot be anything better than loving the person
You are not married here for just a common experience of marriage, but for enjoying love.
It’s a very, very great blessings and a divine thing to love. If you can do that, then you won’t find faults. You will find a way how you can enjoy your married life.
So I have called you here to tell you that you have to enjoy your married life and then one thing you have to remember — alone you cannot. Alone you cannot.
So she’s your companion. She’s your friend. She’s everything to you. Have beautiful feeling about it. I mean some people are very overly romantic and some people are not at all romantic. So there’s no need to be extremely ‘something’, but, as a Sahaja yogis, you should appreciate the qualities of your wife and a Sahaja Yoga marriage.
The best thing is to trust each other, not to doubt. There’s another problem with many marriages, that they start doubting and then they separate. So nothing to doubt. Nothing to be frightened about married life. It’s a beautiful thing you are entering into. It’s a beautiful, I should say, evolution of yours that you’re sharing your life with somebody. But there are many people who fail. Why? Because they think they are men and these are women. But both of them can be beautifully joined together and live very happily.
I have seen some very good husbands, they are so hardworking they have no time for their wives, so they telephone again(?). They’ll find out how are you. I’ll give you an example of Lal Bahadur Shastri, he was so fond of this wife. His wife was ordinary woman, not educated, nothing, from a very ordinary family. But once I was in their house, you see. So in the morning, about say ten o’clock I was there, and he sent a letter to her from the office that “I woke up early and as is usual my routine, I had a bath and everything and you were still sleeping, so I didn’t want to disturb you. Because you didn’t sleep last night, so I didn’t want to disturb you. I’m very sorry, but I haven’t taken my tea as yet, so can I come down to take tea with you?’ We were very close. See how touching it is. He came down, I saw this and I was amazed – in the Prime Minister of India; look at him, how he was concerned about her. So he came down and then he had tea with her. I just hid myself, I said [to myself] ‘I don’t want to interfere’.
All these sweet, sweet things, you see, help you so much and, though Shri Shastriji, was such a busy man, he always used to think about her and also the family. But then when I was there, I was surprised. He told his daughters, “You look after your children. My wife is not going to be like a maidservant. I’m not going to make her an aya. You just look out!” So what a deference was given to her, compared to the children. That should be the case. You see, that’s how we learn to live with another person. Always if you are thinking about yourself, ‘What comfort I have got. This food was not good’, you are not living like Sahaja yogis.
A Sahaja yogi lives for others, not for himself, starting with your wife. Of course, if you have problems or anything, that can be sorted out. You can write to Me. We can find out. But first thing is you must see, you have to have emotional balance. That has to be understood. If the wife is unhappy, you should ask her, “Why, what’s the matter?” Always stand by her — always, whether it is your mother, father or anyone, stand by her and then tell her what is the right thing. But if you take an opposite position, she won’t understand. But if you take her side and tell everybody that “Let’s find out”. And then establish her self-respect. Let her feel that she will not be insulted by anyone. Anybody insults your wife, you should stand by her [at] that time. Later on, you can sort it out. Nobody dare say anything to your wife, do anything to your wife, but take the side of your wife all the time because, after all, she’s a Sahaja yogini also. And you can talk to her later on and ask her what’s the matter. You can take her in the bedroom and ask, “What is the matter, what has happened?”
But, in the presence of others, you shouldn’t shout at her. And you should not correct her. Moreover, no husband should shout at their wives. That is something I can’t understand, why should husbands shout. It shows a very bad upbringing. We’re all Sahaja yogis. You are brought up by Me. I am your Mother. And please never shout at your wives, never show your temper. I mean, some things so simple can be solved by showing love. As you love Me, I love you, and if there’s anything wrong with you also I will never shout at you, never. What I’ll do, I’ll take you in a very loving manner.
You have such a great power of love and compassion. If you cannot love your own wife, who are you going to love? More than your children, more than anybody else! You share your love a little and you’ll be amazed.
For small, small things also I’ve seen, Sahaja yogis get angry with their wives. For example now, supposing, I’m supposed to be your Mother and everything. But sometimes your wife does some mistake in puja, in something she — try to understand. I don’t mind. Later on you tell her that “It was a mistake and you should not have done it; that’s our Mother,” and they will respect it. But if you go on shouting, you see, there will be a gap between them. If you talk to them like that, their whole life will change. Be kind to them. Be gentle. Very much, it’s necessary. Specially I’ve seen that in the Western life, people have no training how to deal with their wife. There’s no arrangement like that — India we have. When they first meet the husband or the wife, there’s a big ceremony and the gentle way of handling everything.
So, though the relationship is there, you have to establish it. You should move slowly, gently, in a simple manner, not to just to jump on the woman and start ..(?).. – really, it’s not proper. We’ve had three, four cases like that, not many, I should say, for so many years [of marriages], but still to handle her gently, talk to her gently. Talk to her in a way that she feels that you’re her husband and that she is your wife. It’s something that’s an art. And because you are Sahaja yogis, you have to show to the world that ‘because of Sahaja Yoga, our marriage has been very successful. Don’t listen to your mother. Don’t listen to anybody. Listen to her first and find out what is the problem. Otherwise, such marriages collapse. When you are already married, you should show no interest in any other woman — no interest whatsoever. First is your wife, because that puts them off — unnecessary interest in other women. There’s no need. You’ve got your woman. You’ve got your wife. Why should you have interest in other women?
Despite all this, if they are troublesome, let Me know. I am sitting here to know about it. But you don’t get desperate. And things can be improved, we can make them alright. If you’re not sensible, then it will be problematic.
I must say that I think, compared to the Indians, you people have better husbands, no doubt. But sometimes, some husbands, like in India, I think, (Shri Mataji asks to someone nearby “Are there any English people here? No, I mean to be married?”). So, you see, in England I have seen men are very docile — very docile because of the law. Law is so funny and that’s why they are left-side. They are docile and not only docile but they spoil their women, because of the law that is there. But now we have international marriages and here in Italy also, if you are marrying under Italian law it’s not so bad. But still, you must remember that whatever you are doing is according to Divine Laws. Divine Laws must be obeyed and that’s how you should make very successful marriages.
I’m very anxious to see that, that you become very happy with these marriages — something very special, exceptional, that you will have the blessings of the Divine and you will enjoy your love.
May God bless you.
H.H. Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi